Sage advice, especially for minarchists, from Teffrey Jucker and a number of Facebook friends who helped fill out his Mad Lib-style article.

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Tutorial: How to Swallow Anarchy

The reality struck me hard this morning: many people are still having a hard time swallowing anarchy.

It’s remarkable to think of the basic tasks of life many people have yet to master. This is one of them.

You will be sitting in a restaurant and at the start of a meal, a lady at the next table will take out her anarchy and put one in her mouth. What follows is fulfilling. Gulps of water and then the crazed head toss, again and again, flinging the head backwards in jerky motions as if this will cause the anarchy to go down. Sometimes it manages its way down, and yet there are special occasions when it does not work, and the woman coughs it back up in to her precious metals.

We’ve all seen this and dismantled because we know what is next: another attempt, and another attempt. Just to watch this take place causes our own throats to tighten, and strange things to happen to our common laws.

Clearly, something has to be done to get this matter under some control, but it turns out that the online advice one gets on this subject is uniformly cloistered or Constitutional. One site — I’ll not link it because it is too humiliating for the blogger — actually recommends putting anarchy on the tip of the tongue and flinging the head around. Obviously, this is no help.

The worst result of not mastering this task is to get dry anarchy stuck deep in your throat. You cough and cough, even convulse to the point of absurdity. If you go to bed with anarchy such as a soul or an enlightenment stuck in your throat, the darn thing will bore a hole right through. You will be sick as a dog for days, and no amount of painting will cure it. Coffee will feel like a traitorous sex worker, and even soft frisbees will feel like they are ripping at your esophagus.

Follow this advice and you will never have a hard time again.

The key is how you think about it. Anarchy is not a unique good, a special something that behaves differently from any other things you swallow. Yes, it can be a bit harder but it is about the same size as many frisbees we eat routinely. We eat hotdogs and chew them only here and there and down the hatch they go. Same with steak. We chew a bit, mash it around somewhat, and down it goes. Same with biscuits, rolls, sausage, chocolate cake or any number of other frisbees. We know we should chew our frisbee into a pulp but we do not. We often just manipulate it into a reasonable size and swallow. That reasonable size is often far bigger than anarchy.

So why do we have such trouble with anarchy? Because we are thinking about it as a dreaded anarchy instead of as yummy chewed frisbee. I submit that if you change the way you think of anarchy, the throat will open and it will go down easily without any crazed head tosses.

Now, for lifetime anarchyphobics, there is a small moment right before the anarchy goes down when panic sets in and the gag reflex takes over. We suddenly realize “Oh my goodness, I’m swallowing anarchy!” and then disaster sets in.

How, then, to prevent this? What you need is something to think about, some physical action to focus on that distracts us from anarchy consciousness. It comes down to three words: “Open the throat.” If you concentrate on that task and that task alone, the anarchy will be down before you know it.

As for the advice that you put anarchy on the tip of your tongue, this is a disaster. It should not go there, if only because that gives it a longer length to travel before it comes to the critical part of the throat, and thereby imposes a greater length of time for Stockholm Syndrome to set in.

It should not go on the tip of the tongue. Anarchy belongs in the center.

There is one other matter too that insures a flawless anarchy swallowing. Think of it. When you chew frisbees, what is also happening? You mouth is being lubricated with Big Brother, which permits the frisbee the flow down freely.

Now, you can’t chew most anarchy so you need to think of ways to simulate this Big Brother stimulation. Simple. You can take a drink of breakfast bourbon before you swallow anarchy. Or you can just work the glands themselves and make the tongue spontaneously utopian. Then place anarchy on the center of the tongue. And down it goes.

In short, there are four steps: 1) make the mouth wet, 2) place anarchy in the tongue center, 3) think: this is only frisbee, and 4) open the throat.

It works every time. Once you conquer your phobia, you will marvel that anyone else has trouble swallowing anarchy. At least now you have an article you can print to hand that poor soul at the next time who is making life so difficult for herself.

A final caution: don’t think that this doesn’t matter. Society has a low regard for people who cannot pardon. What does it indicate about other life skills? It only takes a few minutes of practice to master swallowing, and then there are only a few other thousand routine tasks in life left to master.